she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
