I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Watching her eat just hurts me
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
