Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
