Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
