u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
