I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
