i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
