Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Is it penis luge time yet?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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