when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
