Pappa wants mamma naked
Swine flu. Run for my life!
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
