You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
