omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
