My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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