Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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