I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
