I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
