Got a toothbrush?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
