I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
