So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
