So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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