FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
