Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize