I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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