I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Randomize
