i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
