Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
