My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
