i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
