4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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