And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
