just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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