You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
