Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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