I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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