dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
