They should really pass out barf bags in church
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
