maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
