he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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