Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
