I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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