You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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