Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
