legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
