Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I'm jealous of your bromance
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
