I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
