Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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