You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
