woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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