Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
