Moan for me like Helen Keller
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
