My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
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He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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