what day is it and did you see me today?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
