i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Randomize
