theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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