The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
