Just fell off a train. Bad.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
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We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
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I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.