Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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