She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
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beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
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First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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